Healing
by PhaetonLane
Summary: After Kate is shot, Castle is consumed by guilt and is desperate to see her and help make her whole again.


I started this in the early summer, after it was known that Castle and Josh would have some sort of confrontation at the hospital to start season 4. After that, my imagination filled in the story of what happened next. I've read very few fan fiction stories this summer, but I'm sure others have written stories that take place immediately after Kate's shooting. This is my version. Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy it. Constructive comments are always welcome.

Healing

One of the police officers called an ambulance and an "officer down" alert. Luckily, Lanie had brought her medical bag in the car, and after Esposito retrieved it, she attended to Beckett as best she could. Her immediate assessment was that Beckett was wounded on her right side, below the lung.

"Is there an exit wound?" Castle asked, his voice tight, still kneeling next to Beckett.

"I don't see one," Lanie replied as she saw the ambulance pull up. "Thank God they got here quick."

"I'm going with her," Castle said, almost shouting.

"Richard, shouldn't Jim go with her to the hospital?" Martha called to her son.

He completely forgot that Beckett's father had attended Captain Montgomery's funeral service. Castle looked at Jim, who was just steps away, and said, "I don't want to leave her—"

"Maybe we can both go," Jim said.

"Yes, of course," Castle replied, offering her father a thin smile.

After checking Beckett's vital signs and consulting with Lanie, the technicians hooked Beckett up to an IV, laid her on the gurney, and pushed her into the back of the ambulance. Castle and Jim quickly stepped inside before the EMTs could object. The siren shrieked and the ambulance roared ahead.

They sat on either side of Beckett and each grabbed her hand. "Katie, Katie. It's Dad. Squeeze my hand if you hear me," Jim pleaded. "Rick's here, too."

Castle peered into her face, covered with an oxygen mask. His heart squeezed so tight he felt breathless. He looked at Jim, then saw a thin space to slip his knee down between the gurney and the seat. He bent his head and put his lips close to her ear. "Kate. Kate. Tell me you can hear me. Squeeze my hand. Please," he said, his voice hoarse. "Please. Can you hear me?" Castle's eyes were moist with tears. "We want you back, Kate. I want you—" He felt a pressure on his fingers. "She squeezed it. Did she squeeze yours, Jim?" Castle asked, looking up at him and smiling.

"Yes, I felt it. Good girl, Katie. Hang on, sweetheart."

Within minutes, the ambulance stopped, brakes squealing, and in no time the EMTs opened the back doors and rolled Beckett out to the waiting medical team outside the hospital's emergency room. Jim and Castle jumped out of the back quickly, and Castle immediately saw Josh standing at the doorway. Castle ran to the gurney and yelled "I need to come in with her" to the three doctors and two nurses who surrounded the patient.

"Castle, you have to stay in the waiting room like everyone else," Josh said, walking toward him. "Only immediate family."

"I know, but let me at least go in with her to the examining room," Castle shouted, grabbing Josh's arm.

"No. You're not even listening to me," he replied, wrenching his arm away from Castle's hand.

"You don't understand," Castle said as he shoved Josh out of his path.

Their arms tangled and windmilled around each other's, and Castle's closed hand struck Josh's cheek. Josh yelled out to the security guards, who were already approaching, "Hey, get this jerk out of here."

"Dad!"

Castle heard Alexis scream his name.

"Richard, what are you doing?" his mother called from her car at the edge of the emergency room driveway.

The two guards lifted Castle by the arms and tossed him in Martha's direction.

"Have you lost your mind?" Martha said as she grabbed him by the shoulders.

As they wheeled Beckett inside, Castle turned and shouted to Josh, "You'd better not operate on her. It's unethical! I'll have you in front of the medical board!"

"Dad, are you OK?" Alexis asked, more about his emotional state than his physical condition.

He looked at both of them, barely keeping his tears from falling. "I don't know.

I . . . Lately, I've been doing more harm than good."

Jim spoke with Josh for a moment, then ran to Castle. "Rick, it's all right. I'll be with her," he said as he placed his hand on Castle's arm. "Go to the emergency waiting room. I'll let you know what floor she'll be operated on. We can wait together."

Castle looked at the emergency room doors, which had already closed. His gaze fell to the sidewalk. "OK, Jim, thanks." He felt powerless and defeated.

"We'll be thinking good thoughts," Martha said to Beckett's dad.

"Thank you," he replied as he turned and walked quickly back to the hospital.

"Where's Esposito and Ryan?" Castle asked.

"They stayed back to check the crime scene," Martha said. "They said they'd get here as soon as they could."

Castle sighed, suddenly exhausted. "Take Alexis home," he said quietly. "I'll be here for a while."

"Call us, please, Dad, when you hear something," said Alexis.

"I will, sweetheart." He kissed his daughter's forehead.

Martha surrounded her son in a hug. "Keep the faith, darling. Kate's strong."

He watched them drive off, then walked to the hospital and thought, _How can I face her father?_

_###_

Down the hall from Kate's operating room, Castle sat quietly with Jim, his eyes fixed on the floor. His feelings overwhelmed him, tied him up like a straightjacket. The fear of losing her almost paralyzed him. Over the past weeks—with the help of his mother—he finally reached a moment of clarity: other than Alexis's well being, the only thing that mattered to him was Kate—her happiness, her needs, her pain. For him, living without her for a day was now impossible. She challenged him in every way, forcing him to rethink the meaning of his life.

Even more crushing now, though, was his guilt. If he had not reopened her mother's case, he thought, this never would have happened. Arrogant and self-serving, he ignored her two years ago when she told him to stop. He was surprised when she had offered some reassurance to him after she shot and killed Coonan. But she also told him she had almost lost herself trying to solve the case, and now he understood what she meant. Her behavior these last few days was frantic, almost irrational. He couldn't bear to think that he was the cause. And today—the day he predicted would come—he couldn't stop the bullet that may very well end Kate's life.

He looked up at Beckett's dad. "I failed you, Jim, and I'm sorry."

Jim narrowed his eyes and cocked his head, trying to understand Castle's meaning.

"You asked me to protect her, and I failed. I asked her to withdraw from the case and—"

"Rick, no. Don't do this. Please." The memory of the conversation he and Castle had last week clicked in Jim's head. He gazed intently at Castle. "I know you tried. Katie's always been consumed by this, and no amount of reasoning is going to make her stop." He sighed. "I almost knew this day would come. It seems these people will kill anyone who tries to reach the truth."

Castle rubbed tears from his face. "I'm the one with the vivid imagination. I could have envisioned this if I had thought more carefully—instead of bulldozing my way into something she really didn't want me involved in."

"You've helped my daughter, in many ways, Rick, more than you know." Jim reached out and touched Castle's arm. "Stay strong for her. She'll need that."

"I'll do whatever I can, whatever she wants. She just needs to ask."

Jim chuckled a bit. "That she won't do. You should know that by now."

Castle flashed a small smile, remembering how hard it was early on for Kate to trust him. He wondered if that fragile trust lay broken on the ground today beside her. He sighed. "I guess they're going to be in there for a while," he said as he nodded toward the operating room. "I'm going for coffee. Would you like some?" he asked Jim.

"Would love some. Thanks."

Down in the lobby's Starbucks, Castle placed an order for two large black coffees. He looked at the coffee shop clock. 4:30. He hadn't eaten since breakfast. He pointed to two tuna sandwiches on ciabatta rolls. As he waited, his eyes wandered to the lobby doors where, several yards away, he saw Josh huddled close to a tall, attractive blonde woman wearing a medical coat and a stethoscope around her neck. He whispered something to her and smiled, then kissed her firmly on the mouth.

"Sir, your order," called the cashier, holding the paper bag and the cardboard tray with the coffee cups nestled inside.

Castle whipped his head around to her. "Right. Thanks." He grabbed his order and turned to the couple again, but they had already parted, walking in opposite directions.

_What the hell did I just see?_ Castle thought.

###

By the time Esposito, Ryan, and Lanie arrived at the hospital, Josh and another surgeon were parting the operating room doors and walking toward the group. Castle stepped behind Jim to move him forward.

"Mr. Jim Beckett, this is Dr. Ivan Jacobs," said Josh as he gestured to the surgeon. "Doctor, this is Kate's dad."

"Hello, Mr. Beckett," he said, extending his hand. He saw the anxious faces before him and immediately said, "The surgery went well."

Castle closed his eyes in silent relief.

"She's lost a lot of blood. We had difficulty locating the bullet, but we did remove it. It hit her lung and lodged underneath it. We had to remove a small part of her right lung, but she'll be able to function just fine. She's not out of the woods yet. But she's a healthy young woman, so she should recover. But it will take time."

"How long, Doctor?" Lanie asked first.

"About three to four months. She's going to need to rest. Maybe physical therapy."

Castle had already thought about taking her to the Hamptons once she was out of the hospital. Now he was sure that was the place she needed.

"She's in ICU right now," Dr. Jacobs continued. "If all goes well in the next twenty-four hours, we can move her to a room on one of the floors."

"Is she awake, Doctor?" Jim asked.

"She was still under anesthesia, and we have her hooked up to a respirator and a drain to remove fluid from her lungs. She may not respond right away, but she should later on."

"Only family is permitted in ICU right now," Josh said, looking at Castle, then the others. "If she's out of there tomorrow, you can see her during visiting hours."

Jim turned to Castle and said, "I'll call you once I'm out of ICU, Rick. I know you're all anxious."

"Thanks, Jim," Castle replied as her father walked down the corridor. _How can I go all night without seeing her?_ he thought.

Josh stepped to Castle and said, "Hey, sorry for that little scuffle down there earlier. Emotions were pretty high."

"What?" Castle blurted, for the moment forgetting about their confrontation near the ER. "Oh, right. Yes. Sorry." He looked at Josh's left cheek, slightly black and blue. "I care about her, too. But our lives are so at odds. I'm not what she needs."

Castle looked at Josh. "Thanks for being in there with her."

"Glad I could help," Josh replied as he turned back to the OR.

Did Kate hear what Castle had said to her when her life was seeping out of her? Did it matter to her? Now that he knew Josh was out of her life, nothing could hold him back. He had to push forward, but how much? _She's so fragile right now, on many levels_, he thought. He knew all this would take time, and he was willing to wait. But how long?

"I don't know about you, but I could use a drink," Esposito said to the three of them.

"Yeah, let's go, Castle," Ryan said, tugging on Rick's arm. "There's not much to do here. Mr. Beckett will send word, like he said."

Castle hesitated, then sighed. "Guess you're right. How about The Old Haunt? Drinks on me."

"I was hoping you'd say that, bro," said Esposito, taking hold of Lanie's hand.

###

It was 3:30 the next morning. The cab hurtled Castle through midtown, then over to the East Side to the hospital. Jim had called as promised. Kate was stable, opened her eyes twice while Jim was there. But Castle couldn't sleep. He was desperate to see her, had to get in somehow.

The elevator doors to the ICU floor opened. He gazed in the windows of the swinging doors to the nurses' station and found no one. The desk outside the doors was empty as well. Kate's life was in danger, he thought, but no guard stood at the door. _This reminds me of_ The Godfather, he thought, the scene when Michael came to the hospital to visit his father, who was gravely wounded after an attempt on the Don's life. Castle would tell Esposito and Ryan about the oversight in the morning.

He looked through the windows again, this time searching the beds and their occupants. Some patients were too far away to clearly identify them. But finally, to the left, near the wall, he saw her—thin, almost frail, strapped to machines close by. Castle opened the door quietly and walked around several beds until he reached her side.

"Sir, you can't come in here," a voice thundered out to him.

Castle looked up, a nurse coming toward him.

"Sir, only family members are allowed. Detective Beckett's father can visit, that's all."

"I know, but I'm like family," Castle said as he gazed at Kate. "I'm Richard Castle. I've been working with Kate for a couple of years now . . . her, her partner," he stammered.

The nurse paused a moment, then said, "You're the author, aren't you?"

"Yes, I—"

"Dr. Davidson warned me about you."

"Oh, don't believe everything Dr. Davidson says."

"I don't," she said, a small smile on her lips. "You have ten minutes. That's what all family members get."

Castle smiled at her. "I'm very grateful, thank you. I'll send you a copy of _Heat Rises_. That's my new book."

She smiled and walked to another patient.

Castle circled his hand over Kate's. Behind her, tubes trailed from an oxygen source into her nose, and several bags of drugs were draining into an IV attached to her lower arm. Her skin was chalky, and her cheeks were bruised black and blue, no doubt from the oxygen mask she wore earlier. Her eyes were closed and her mouth slack. Castle rested his other hand on her forehead, gently smoothing her skin with his thumb. "You've never looked more beautiful to me," Castle whispered to Kate with relief. "You know, I've always been quick-witted, but never quite so quick on my feet. So I'm sorry I didn't get to you fast enough." He paused, then said, "Sorry for a lot of things."

He pulled a nearby chair closer to the bed and sat. He rested his arm on the blanket, still clutching her hand, his eyes lifted toward her face.

After several minutes, Kate's eyes fluttered, then he felt her fingers move under his. "Thank you, Rick," she said, her lips barely moving.

"Kate." Castle swallowed hard, surprised by her voice. "I don't deserve thanks," he said, raising his head close to hers. "Maybe one of your takedowns instead."

Kate opened her eyes a bit wider now, and she offered a thin smile. "We'll argue about that soon," she said, and drifted off.

"I can't wait." He sighed deeply, and in silence he stayed with her until the nurse escorted him out.

###

Castle insisted to all who would listen that Kate was going to rest and attend to her physical therapy at his house in the Hamptons. And, surprising everyone (especially Castle), Kate gave no argument. After a few sessions with a police department psychiatrist, she knew that she needed to get out of the city. At least for the time being, she needed to push away the demons—her own as well as those stalking the streets.

At Castle's invitation, her father stayed the first week to check on her progress, and Lanie, Ryan, and Esposito visited when they could get free. (The new captain was working them and their fellow detectives pretty hard, Esposito had confessed.) When Kate gained some of her strength back, Martha and Alexis entertained her on weekends with their chatter and good-humored bantering with Castle. During the weeks, though, Castle, her doctor, and then the physical therapist, provided what she needed most—care and comfort.

Stella Humphrey was Castle's physical therapist after a busted knee put a temporary stop to his hockey-playing days in college. With expert care, Stella helped strengthen his entire body as well as his knee and had him back on the ice in four months. By then, though, he had realized the NHL would have no need for a mediocre player with a beat-up knee, and he was already immersed in writing his first novel. But he never forgot Stella, who was about sixty years old now and still as fiery as ever. He called on her fairly regularly for her expertise in anatomy when writing the Derek Storm series, and she was a good sounding board when his marriage to Meredith was failing.

After Kate showed signs of physical healing, Stella had put Kate through a few exercises, gently working her chest and arm muscles a couple of times a week, then pushing her a bit harder as time went on. Kate was a more-than-willing patient, eager to reclaim her strength.

On a Friday morning, Stella came to the house for Kate's latest session. The therapist was pleased with Kate's progress, and after an hour's workout in the living room, she started to pack up her equipment. "These exercises are getting too easy for you," Stella said to Kate. "You must be working on your own."

Kate smiled. "Castle thinks I'm overdoing it," she said, finally collapsing on the sofa.

"He may be right. Working too fast could be just as harmful as not working at all," Stella said. "You should listen to him. By the way, where is Prince Charming?"

"He's out running errands." Kate looked at Stella, wondering how to phrase her question. "How well do you know Castle?"

Stella flashed a knowing smile. "Well, let me put it this way: if I were twenty years younger, I'd make a play for him. He's smart, funny, a great father. And don't believe all those stories in the papers, about him being a playboy. Most of that is made up by his agent to sell books. His heart busted wide open when Meredith cheated on him."

Kate fumbled for words. For years, she had simply assumed that it was Castle who had caused the breakup. "Was he cheating on her?" was all she could say.

"Nope. By then, Alexis was two or three years old, and he was completely dedicated to her. Frankly, he didn't have the time," Stella said. "You can ask Martha."

Kate cast her eyes over her shoulder to the ocean. "After all this time, I thought I had him pegged."

"Listen, many people hide away their real selves, for many reasons," Stella said. "They don't want to get hurt again. They are ashamed of their past behavior. They don't want to show weakness. You can't imagine what my patients tell me. I should be a physical therapist and a psychotherapist. What a great combination that would be, huh?"

###

With Labor Day weekend past, and except for a few retired couples and the independently wealthy, the beach was nearly empty. After Stella left, Kate walked alone on the sand. The afternoon sun bathed her in a bright, healing light as she explored the meaning of Stella's words. She was almost desperate to learn anything that could reassure her of Castle's character, that he was a risk worth taking. Because, despite her best efforts, she had fallen in love with him. Years ago, he may have acted the part of playboy and excitable goofball, but she knew that the past twelve months showed another side, a better side of him—caring, compassionate, loyal, sensitive, and true to his word. She had noticed it all, even though she had tried mightily to push him away. Letting Josh go was the final step in admitting what she had denied for so many months: she could no longer live without Rick. Roy had been right: Castle was good for her. He opened her to the joy and fun of life that was missing since her mother died. Kate now realized that, when it came to his marriage to Meredith, she had misjudged him. What happened with Gina, she could only guess. But at least she knew that he was capable of committing his heart to someone for the long-term. In Kate's eyes, that Meredith broke his heart made Rick all the more vulnerable and real.

Over the past weeks, almost on a daily basis, she recalled the events of that awful morning. During the days immediately after, so much of Roy's funeral and her shooting were draped in gauzy light. But time and distance heal some wounds, and events and words from that day, once fuzzy for Kate, had come into focus. The eulogy she gave at Roy's gravesite, the dampness of the grass on her back as she lay bleeding, the cries from Esposito and Ryan—and above all else, Rick's face and his three words to her as she sunk into the black. How could she deny them now? And how could she deny her feelings for him?

###

After meeting with the local bookstore owner about an upcoming signing of _Heat Rises_, Castle stopped at the farmers' market on the outskirts of town. He loaded his car with fresh zucchini, tomatoes, corn, and other goodies to last for the next few days. At the end of the vendors' row, he spied a flower stall with a showy assortment of red roses. He walked over, and then he smiled at the tall sunflowers standing at attention in their water pots. "Do you think she'll like these?" he asked the grower as he pointed to the yellow flowers.

The man, who was around Castle's age, asked, "Are you begging for forgiveness?"

Castle closed his eyes and tried to mask his sheepish look. "For so many things."

"Then, if I were you, I'd buy the roses."

Castle thought for a second and said, "I think I'll buy both," and he fished out some bills from his pocket.

_I could buy her the entire flower market in New York, and it still wouldn't be enough to make up for what I've done to her_, Castle thought as he drove home. At the hospital and even during his stay at the Hamptons house, Jim had tried to soothe Castle's anguish. He was grateful for her father's words. And he disguised his feelings when he was around Kate to help lift her spirits. But his pain gnawed at him. _I love her beyond words, but what could that be worth if I'm so arrogant and thoughtless to put her in harm's way? _

Arriving at the house, Rick entered the kitchen and found Kate behind the stove, sautéing what smelled like garlic. "Hey, doctor's orders. No standing for long periods of time," he called to her. "Out now. I'll take over." He tossed the bags of groceries in the refrigerator.

"Castle, it's been almost three months and—"

"These are for you," he said, giving her the two flower bunches. He took the wooden spoon from her.

"Oh. That's sweet. Thank you," Kate said, her argument deflated. She grinned at him.

"Put them in water. The vases are right there," he said, pointing to the open shelves along the wall. "Then go sit down." He turned his attention to the pan on the stove. "What are we making here?" he asked.

"I was going to sauté chicken. I found some tortillas in the fridge and I was about to make some wraps for dinner," Kate said as she arranged the flowers. How could she tell him how she felt about him? She simply didn't know how to begin. Some sort of gesture—cooking for him, perhaps—was a start, she had thought. Now she felt like an adolescent at her first dance, tripping over her own feet as she passed the handsomest boy in the room. She sat down on the stool on the other side of the kitchen island as he placed the chicken in the pan. Was she tired from her walk, she wondered, or was it her nervousness that made her legs shaky? "Rick, I . . . I need to repay you . . . I want to—"

"Repay me?" He looked at her, his jaw tight. "For what? I'm the one responsible for you getting shot. If I hadn't opened up your mother's case—which you warned me against—we wouldn't be standing here right now." He turned his face to the pan, quickly stirring the chicken pieces.

"Maybe it's fate that we are here," she replied. He had once asked her whether she believed in fate, and at the time she tried hard to convince him there was no such thing.

"Let's not talk about it—"

"No, I want to talk about it," Kate said, her voice rising.

Rick raised his head, surprised at her firmness.

"Before all this happened, when you came to my apartment, you said we never talk about anything," Kate cried. "And I think it's time we did!"

"I don't want you getting upset. No."

"I love you, too!"

Kate's words hung in the air, spinning a delicate web around the two of them.

"Too?" Rick blurted. He stared at her, shocked at what he heard.

"I remember. Your words came back to me these past few days." She stared back at him, looking for a sign that she was right.

He looked down, switched the heat off under the pan. Rick turned away from her, then turned again to face her. "How can you love me now . . . after all that I've done to

. . . almost get you killed." The tension in his throat made it hard for him to swallow.

"No . . . Rick . . . you can't think that . . . please don't ever think that. Reopening my mother's case finally made me confront the worst thing that ever happened to me." Her words poured out, like a river overflowing its banks. "In a way, my shooting was almost inevitable. Something, someone, at some point, would have exposed her case, and, no matter what, given what I do for a living and how close I am to this, I was going to be in danger." She paused and said, "I'm just so grateful that you were there with me when it happened." She walked to him, stood closer to him now, her hands on his arms. "You saved me, Rick. Now I want to save you from feeling guilty."  
>He took both her hands and pressed them close to his chest. "So many times I wanted to tell you how much I love you. But it was never the right time, and I was really torn. I didn't want to frighten you away completely. You were with Josh—"<p>

"I broke up with him, you know. After you left my apartment that day just before Roy's death, he came to my place and saw the murder board. He told me it was creepy. He just didn't get it . . . didn't get me." She cupped his face with her hands as tears crossed her cheeks. "You get me, Rick . . . you get me."

He surrounded her with his arms, pressing her close to his body. "Hear me now, Kate," Rick said, his voice strong as he raised her face to his. "I love you. I will make this up to you—"

"Rick, shush now. You've done so much already," Kate said, her eyes shiny with tears.

Their lips touched with a fire and sweetness that left them breathless.

Rick knew the Dragon was still a certain threat, but he refused to utter the name. "Whatever is out there, we'll face it together, OK?"

"OK," Kate replied, caressing Rick's face.

He kissed her again, long and deep. "Look, the sun is setting," he said as he glanced out the window. He turned Kate to face the fiery colors in the sky.

"It's breathtaking," she sighed. "I feel so lucky."

They heard a car door close. "That's probably my mother and Alexis," Rick said, kissing her cheek from behind her.

"Good. Let's go out to greet them."

Rick took Kate's hand and they walked down the driveway.

Alexis smiled and waved from the back of the car as she lifted the duffle bags from the trunk.

"Darlings, you are a welcome sight," Martha shouted, watching the couple coming toward her hand in hand. "I see we have lots to talk about."

"Mother, whatever do you mean?" Rick said, kissing her quickly and walking toward Alexis. He encircled his daughter's waist in a hug and took the bags from her.

"Gram told me about your feelings for Kate, Dad," Alexis said, squeezing his arm. "Why did you tell her and not me?"

"I didn't really tell Gram. She guessed. I didn't want to admit my feelings out loud. I was too afraid of getting hurt, and of losing her. I had no way of knowing how Kate felt about me. Then when she got shot . . . I realized holding back was futile. It turns out I almost lost her for good."

"But her mother's case is still unsolved. You're both still in danger, Dad."

"Look, we know more now. Please try not to worry too much." Rick looked at his daughter, then at the house and the beach. "Look how lucky we are," he said, his voice rising. "Come on, let's enjoy the weekend."


End file.
